I was working today in a vacant apartment. I'm a handyman-I fix broken things. While fixing a problem in the bathroom, I passed in front of the vanity mirror. I was singing along with The Shins on my Ipod and nostalgically re-living a moment of contentment from the past. When I realized I could see myself singing in the reflection, I shied away. I called myself a "fool" and turned off the light.
There is still in me a critic. He is more sour than a lonely old man that yells at children to stay off his lawn. He cannot observe happiness without feeling his own bitterness. He is a tragic flaw for someone as naturally silly as I am because he makes letting go seem like a mistake. My whole life people have said things to me like "Why don't you ever smile?" or "Are you mad?" I might be happy as a lark but apparently it's the critic that shows up on my face.
Maybe this is the year I can find the strength and put the critic to rest forever. Maybe next time he screams "Get off my lawn kid!" I'll look him dead in the eye and dance a jig across his Bermuda grass while singing Elton John at the top of my lungs. I mean what's he gonna do anyway, spray me with the water hose?
