I hear people say things and they make me wonder....Why can't I hear God's voice? It's not as if I haven't been listening. At times I've been so low I begged for God to tell me something, anything. Based on what I learned in Sunday school, if the answers don't come you're just supposed to wait. I have yet to hear any voices from above. I've always wondered what it is that makes me different from those that say they hear God speak. Do I have the wrong kind of ears? Is my life and all it adds up to unworthy of acquiring a direct connection to the heavens? I have tried to believe as blindly as a person can in some kind of God that listens. The problem I keep having is that blind faith and the life I've lived just aren't compatible.
It's no secret that I used to drink too much. As a result of that excess, I found my way to the water wagon many years ago. When I first quit drinking, I believed that God had personally saved me from my addiction. Everything felt so new and crisp without the bottle in hand. As time passed the highs of my new life wore off. During various attempts at being sober, people tried to point out to me that, in fact, I hadn't really changed much. Years after I quit drinking I was still the same arrogant drunk, only I WAS D-R-Y. As I fucked up in all the same areas of living, I often used the excuse that it was God's will that things happened the way they did. Of course the pattern would go something like this--act badly, blame others, and walk away feeling justified. I was just carrying the good message of clean living in a profoundly confused way. This is the definition of a rationalization. Ignoring the facts of a situation in order to protect oneself from the truth is the kind thing that exempts a person from being responsible for any behavior under any condition. I believed that if someone else was in pain it must have been their faults that made them so vulnerable. I would say things like "I didn't MAKE you feel anything". It's popular in modern psychology to expect everyone to "take ownership" of their feelings. I took that to mean that we should all expect others to be invulnerable--talk about ignoring reality. Maybe we can't magically zap emotion into each other but we definitely have the power to provide the stimulus that evokes a painful response in those around us. As we move through the world, we constantly receive feedback from others. Friends, lovers, employers, and family, they all provide us with the necessary information to adapt to our surroundings.
In the past, despite my apparent personal flaws, I could tell you all about God's will for myself and the world!...Blah blah blah and peace and love and God's plan etc. I was a spiritual giant and simultaneously the worst listener a friend could have. Eventually the wheels would fall off the water wagon and so would I. A delusional person is only one banana peel away from disaster. I know from experience that things don't always go according to plan. Pretending to be so wise as to be above mistakes is an isolating way to live. As time passes people tire of arrogance. They go away in disgust or pity. What choice do they have? This kind of selfishness leaves no room for human connection. The superior minded person rejects all wisdom from outside sources because their delusions are the foundation of their reality.
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